Blind

I thought I saw you, it was that point during the day when it's just getting dark and everything looks so clear, that's when I thought I saw you. I thought maybe it was a trainwreck, because I heard the whistle blow then. And the first thing I thought of, was when something like this happened. And I saw someone, who wasn't you, standing in an aisle. And I stopped and stared, and tried to see her face, and was almost crying, I could feel the tears in my eyes, I could feel my throat so tensed up. And it wasn't, so I stood somewhere somewhat isolated, and talked myself out of crying. That's what I thought of first, when I saw you or I saw a girl at least, she had that haircut, like you did, back then, at least I think. I remember, I think, your hair back then, when I liked it the most.

You were with someone, walking down the sidewalk across the street from me, and I looked over, and I stopped, and I watched. I think he said your name, you looked over at him and your fingers interlaced, and she looked like you, more than just the hair, your faces were similar, your smiles were similar. No, not even a similar smile, it was the same smile, I know it. I can remember it, but it's still been a long time, it feels like it's been a long time, longer than it's really been. I could see it though, see you there. Your walks are the same, and she talked like you from what I could tell. That wasn't all of it though, there was more than the look. She had that light in her like I always said you did, even to you. Light that shines through, but it was always trapped, it always trapped me, trapped by a light that is trapped. Like snowblindness, it's just too bright, and everywhere, and blinds you, and then you're trapped in the dark. At least, she seemed that way, like you, seemed like the memories of you. In a dress that shimmers or a dress that's soft, or in your jeans, and you shine out, out of your skin, I think, through the clothes. And I saw her with a guy, and I remember only you, and it seemed like right then, for that moment, I couldn't even remember myself. And since then even, past that moment, I still can't, can't remember me, only you.

It's been a long time, so long, it feels like another life, someone else's life, maybe. Only six months, right? Six months isn't so long, so why does it feel like so long, maybe like it never happened. I know it did though, I know it happened. And now it feels like I'm there again, that's why I've forgotten who I am, I think. I think I am whoever that was again, someone who I am no longer. That's why it's like this, because some hearts are true and some of those hearts are two hearts. I wish someone would give me a ladder, down here, at the bottom. Where I am two people, and I'd put it up against the edge and climb up, to the stairs, and up the stairs to your door. I guess that's where this takes me, your door, our door; the door we've both walked out of for the last time now, that perfect door. And I'm not there, I call out all day and night, everywhere I go, looking for something.

I am again, the same, small, really small, again or maybe, always have been. I'm hoping again, or still, that you'd be what I always wanted you to be. What I thought you were then, before and after, a gift from Heaven, I guess...I guess that's what I thought you were, hoped you were. And I'd take it now, in any form, in any way. I want that back, the way I was, like the snowblindness, from that light in you. Because, I don't know now, it feels like I'm looking for something, or trying to fill a void, and I keep going everywhere and trying to meet everyone, and it doesn't work. I don't think this void can be filled, it's too deep, or too wide, or the shape is just wrong, and nothing fits. I'm looking for that perfect thing, the perfect girl. I call out to her, always, and all I can do is dangle the noose over this void, because you, or the perfect girl for me, doesn't fit. But the rope it fits, it fits just right...that's all I am seeing, because I'm blind. I don't know, that feels like too much.

Maybe I'm just looking for some kind of pain, to fill the place where I was, looking for the pain like the pain I felt, with you. The pain you gave. Maybe I'm just looking for more hands, more fists, to strike down on me, to bruise my face. I could have treated you better, you were so beautiful, I can't forget your tears. I can't forget mine either. What's the difference? Do you know? Do I know? No, I don't think I know. I know what you're like though...I tried so hard, to save you. I really did, over and over, and it didn't matter. I guess if you save yourself, though, like sometimes you want to, but never do, but want to. I can save you then, whenever you need it. I wish it could be like that.

Someone's there, maybe a king with his queen, on their thrones, watching all this and we wanted their protection from it, but they just smiled. Maybe it's everyone else, because we publicized all this so much. I hope we were entertaining at least, not tiresome. I guess we were, they just stood and watched; their cruel gazes coming down on us so visibly, like we sent them to eachother from start to finish, our leers. We're the same as them, and they as us. I wish they could have seen, I would tell them to look, if I could go back. When we were there in the woods, at the cabin, and it was just you and I in the field, no trees in it. No trees they would have been hiding in. And the moon was bright on us, and no one could see us then, we were the only ones who could see. And that's what I wanted everyone to see then, not what we chose to show them. Some hearts are true, I wanted them to know...I wanted you to know.

I guess, when I became the same again, I thought again, felt again, all the things. And there's this torment, this uneasiness, and it's love, I think...I think it's my love. This love is and was, always the same, like buying a lottery ticket with my heart. I put the bloody thing on the counter and they gave me the ticket, and I went home, and I was stupid, not inexperienced, I know how this all works. I've seen it, lived it before, so many times. I was just stupid, passionately stupid. Am stupid, and looking again for the gallows, the knuckles. Your knuckles, your coarse and scratchy rope drawn to the throat...and you, probably look for the same. Maybe whoever that was, you were with, maybe he has hard knuckles and a length of rope for you. Maybe you have it for him.

What's the problem? Do you know? Do I know? Yes, I know. I know exactly what it is, it fills me up. It drives me insane. Why, why, why why why, just fucking why? Why can't you just fucking save yourself? I'll be there to catch you, if you just catch yourself. If you can catch yourself, I will do it always. This is where I put the blame, right there. Right there. Maybe it's unfair, I don't know...I don't care if it's unfair. Save yourself, please, save yourself. That is what there is to blame...you won't do it, you won't save yourself. You want to be saved, I know you do, and you won't let me, even though you want me to. Some hearts are true, I promise you. I know you don't believe me, that you never have and might never believe it, but some hearts are true. So, save yourself, so I can save you. So I can save everyone, and myself, and yourself, from you.