NO MORE KETCHUP, EVER

NO MORE KETCHUP, EVER

 At 3:31 PM PST Daylight Saving Time on June 30th 2012 all ketchup on the planet Earth
vanished;
as if some omnipotent cocktail napkin meticulously wiped down every plate,
dabbed every lip; as if some magic faucet paired with the eternal sponge
from beyond the stars emptied and flushed every bottle;
every vat and pot all scrubbed immaculate by this supernatural and sentient
pressure-washer;
all lazily made barbecue sauces turned into
vinegary mixtures of onions and spices in their bottles;
like some red-haired angel drank the ketchup from the earth and with each drop herself
became more a demon.

The H. J. Heinz corporation (and other smaller ketchup manufacturers) immediately began scrambling to restore production, though it’s unclear if it would have made any difference; H.J. Heinz’s CFO probably knew that and that’s why he fell to the Pittsburgh pavement. 
The Dow Jones Industrial Average, NASDAQ, and many stock markets across the globe immediately fell steeply. 
National leaders urged their nations’ citizens to be calm; some news stations in an attempt at levity dubbed the situation ‘Ketchupgate’. Religious leaders, however, almost unanimously preached the event to be a sign of the end of end of days; maybe they were right. Continuous prayer vigils by every major religion. Nearly total global panic. Riots in Athens, Toronto, Los Angeles, London, Helsinki. The whole population of the planet feeling the fear and dread, the anticipation, everyone just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Extreme and nearly immediate rise in crime, followed by an even steeper rise in violence, and suicide, as the human race tried to cope with a phenomenon of such magnitude, of such insignificance so important. Perhaps if the recipe hadn’t changed humanity would have had an easier recovery.

The scientific community at a complete loss for any feasible or actually listenable theory began looking to the fringes of realistic thought.
“Possibly,” said some, “this is an example of some as yet unseen phenomena related to quantum mechanics; in this case all the particles that make (made) up ketchup were immediately moved to another place in the universe.” However, tomatoes, tomato concentrate, vinegar, high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, salt, ‘spice’, onion powder, and ‘natural flavoring’ (a.k.a.: the ingredients that Heinz uses to make “ketchup") were not affected except when combined in the final form of ketchup.

The following month showed an even higher trend toward crime, violence, suicide, alcohol consumption, drug abuse, and all forms of 'destructive behavior’ as the world tried to cope with the true horror:
The recipe change.
When the ingredients, no matter the minor variations between recipes, were combined in their normal fashion what was produced was not ketchup but something seemingly more like crude oil. This flavorless black liquid, which was quickly said to be lightly toxic, affecting the central nervous system and brain with seizures, then paralysis and coma in extreme doses was immediately subjected to every type of testing available, with no real result, even it’s chemical makeup could not be explained exactly. It seemed this black liquid was not of this planet. It had no apparent uses, was as mysterious as it was black, with no possible explanation for it or how the same ingredients used in so many things, when combined to form ketchup created this strange and somewhat harmful, though essentially inert, liquid. This substance and it’s formation (which can be made at home though is not advised) is still perhaps the hottest topic among men of science, even with all that has happened since. 
The favored explanation among lay people (especially front of house restaurant staff) is that a server in Boston, Massachusetts wished ketchup out of existence with her pure hate for the ‘evil red substance’. Maybe she exists, or maybe it was the collective will of all restaurant workers that removed ketchup from the universe. The completely baffling nature of the anomaly are rivaled only by what has occurred after, though those events seem somewhat predictable after the absurdity of all ketchup disappearing forever...